August Makes One Year
A year can be a long time.
365 generations of fruit flies are born and die in a year.
That’s, coincidentally, also the number of boyfriends Brittany Spears goes through in a year.
It's also how long I’ve been writing blogs. Every month a new blog and before I knew it a year had passed. I don’t know what’s sadder. People taking the time out of their busy day to read a blog I’ve written or 365 generations of fruit flies "kicking the bucket".
It’s the last few days of August. In Wisconsin football season has finally returned. In Sechelt blackberries are ripe for picking. Soon there will be bone chilling weather everywhere north of Portland. In L.A. we’ll be frying eggs on our hoods. We live in such different worlds. For the past year I’ve been writing about life in L.A. wishing I were on the Sunshine Coast. Somewhere close to Halfmoon Bay. Maybe as far north as Pender Harbor. A land where the blackberries are free and the air smells like Christmas morning.
August in Hollywood is when all of the shows come back from summer hiatus. I’ve been to at least a dozen sitcoms being taped. Hey, they’re free. If you plan on catching a show next time you’re in L.A. I highly recommend comfortable underwear. You'll be sitting for at least 4 or 5 hours.
The scripts are autumn crisp. The actors fresh out of rehab. Take some show biz memories back home. See a few stars up close and personal. Just remember that as a general rule actors are much shorter in person and movie actresses are never as beautiful in person as they are on the big screen. If they were beautiful in person they’d be hookers.
I met Charlie Sheen in a Culver City gun shop about 15 years ago. My son pointed him out to me because I didn’t recognize him. He’s not much taller than a croquet mallet and wore running shoes held together with duct tape. His body guard went out to the car for something so I walked up to him. He had this terrified look in his eyes that screamed, “Please don’t hurt me!” I met his father, Martin Sheen, a couple of months later and he had the same look in his eyes. Of course that might have had something to do with my starting the conversation by saying I had met his son in a gun shop.
Last year I talked with Charlize Theron in a Hollywood gas station. Charlize ran in to buy four packs of cigarettes and get out before anyone recognized her. She had obviously just stepped out of the shower with wet hair and wearing an old T shirt. While she’s stunning on camera I’ve seen hotter waitresses at the Lighthouse Pub. Much hotter. (Especially that redhead) When I told her she was a brilliant actress she lit up and I saw that megawatt Charlize Theron smile.
I suppose my feeble claim to fame is appearing on "The Dating Game" as Biff Nerd, a character I was doing in my standup comedy routine at the time. I won a week’s vacation in Bogota, Colombia. To this day I can still ask for directions to the bathroom in perfect Spanish. At least it seems perfect to me. There was also my comic strip in Larry Flynt’s "Hustler Humor" but it was printed only once and they took out my best lines. Editors are the devil’s disciples. You can quote me on that.
I met Charlie Sheen in a Culver City gun shop about 15 years ago. My son pointed him out to me because I didn’t recognize him. He’s not much taller than a croquet mallet and wore running shoes held together with duct tape. His body guard went out to the car for something so I walked up to him. He had this terrified look in his eyes that screamed, “Please don’t hurt me!” I met his father, Martin Sheen, a couple of months later and he had the same look in his eyes. Of course that might have had something to do with my starting the conversation by saying I had met his son in a gun shop.
Last year I talked with Charlize Theron in a Hollywood gas station. Charlize ran in to buy four packs of cigarettes and get out before anyone recognized her. She had obviously just stepped out of the shower with wet hair and wearing an old T shirt. While she’s stunning on camera I’ve seen hotter waitresses at the Lighthouse Pub. Much hotter. (Especially that redhead) When I told her she was a brilliant actress she lit up and I saw that megawatt Charlize Theron smile.
I suppose my feeble claim to fame is appearing on "The Dating Game" as Biff Nerd, a character I was doing in my standup comedy routine at the time. I won a week’s vacation in Bogota, Colombia. To this day I can still ask for directions to the bathroom in perfect Spanish. At least it seems perfect to me. There was also my comic strip in Larry Flynt’s "Hustler Humor" but it was printed only once and they took out my best lines. Editors are the devil’s disciples. You can quote me on that.
For now I,m working on “Fortune Man”, the same improv act I performed at Sechelt’s Chatelech Theatre last year, thanks to Norm Blair who invited me up. To pay the bills lately I’m giving tours of stars homes to tourists from all over the world. Even a few from Campbell River. If there is a God I’ll be living on the Sunshine Coast by year’s end. I say that every year and another year goes by.
We all make career decisions and mine brought me out to L.A. a hundred years ago. Maybe that was a bad decision but it was my decision. The way I look at it is if God didn’t trust our judgment He wouldn’t have created Free Will and the Spice Channel.
For more comical info on the writer of this blog go to: WorldHumour.bravehost.com
Tom Neuhoff
World Humour
"Funnier Than You"
posted by Tom @ 2:22 PM
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