Christmas
Christmas in L.A. is like deer hunting season in New York City. It just isn’t the same as in Wisconsin. Or on the Sunshine Coast. Nothing about Christmas is the same in L.A.. Not that the stores aren’t decorated and the city streets all lit up with brilliant holidays bulbs. Even Rodeo Drive is decorated for the season. It’s just that once you’ve grown up accustomed to a White Christmas in all its holiday splendor, Christmas in 95-degree heat pretty much blows.
Here’s some Christmas trivia for you fresh out of Hollywood. "It’s A Wonderful Life", arguably the most famous Christmas movie ever made was shot in Encino, California on a day when it was 103 degrees in the shade. Encino is about 20 minutes northwest of Hollywood and where Michael Jackson grew up. In the final scene when Jimmy Stewart is running down main street shouting, "Merry Christmas!" to all the business establishments they had to actually stop shooting early because the actors were suffering from heat exhaustion. It all looked so real. Even the trees were fake. That’s Hollywood.
Over the years I've found methods of getting into the Christmas spirit despite the heat. Working as a department store Santa never failed to raise my holiday spirits. (Except when a parent drops their screaming baby with wet diapers onto my lap.) These days they have schools to train Santas. When I started we were handed the costume and told where to change. The very first job I had I changed in the basement of a shoe store. They had a sleigh located right out in the blazing heat of the sun. I must have sweated away ten pounds a day in that sleigh. My first day I walked up into the sleigh and while standing gave my very best, "Ho! Ho! Ho!" Waving to all the parents and children, I couldn't understand why no one would look at me. I was a complete failure as Santa. Then I looked down and noticed my Santa pants had fallen down around my boots. No one told me to safety pin my pants to the pillow.
While living in Seattle with my son, Tyson, I would sneak my Santa costume home after work and we’d go to hospitals and housing projects. My son, dressed as an elf, handed out coloring books allowing both of us to share Christmas in a manner few may experience. If you ever get an opportunity to play Santa jump at the chance. But it can be wrought with emotion. One day while visiting a housing project in South Central L.A. a five-year-old girl sat on my lap after waiting patiently for an hour in line. I asked her what she would like for Christmas. Without skipping a beat she looked up and said, "Santa, I don't want any toys for Christmas. Just bring my daddy back!" It seems her parents had recently separated. At that moment not crying was the most difficult task of my Santa career but... Santa has to remain jolly. I hope she got her wish.
Some of the best memories I have of growing up in Wisconsin involve the Christmas season. Every year without fail my family would drive around Chilton looking at the neighbor’s decorated front yards. (In L.A. if you cruise around someone else's neighborhood it's called a "drive-by".) Hardly anyone decorates their homes or yards in L.A. Christmas parties have a touch of Hollywood. My favorite party was at KTLA-TV in Hollywood. The studio paid to have the Disney characters come over and entertain all the children. At the time my son, Tyson, must have been around three or four years old. I still have Super 8 film of him playing with Goofy and Mickey Mouse. It’s hard to believe my son is now 33 years old and a father! Where does the time go?
KTLA and Goldwest Video were both owned by Gene Autry at that time. I had written a "WKRP In Cincinnati" which was taped on the lot. Since I didn’t have an agent my only chance of pitching a script was to befriend a member of the cast or crew. So I worked as a maintenance man while pitching my script to cast members. I met everyone except Loni Anderson, who pretty much kept to herself. Howard Hesseman (Johnny Fever) was always friendly and eager to talk with anyone, especially if you knew of his work in "The Committee", a comedy improv group of the 60’s & 70’s. I brought up my favorite sketch of his called, "The Blind Date". Howard picks up his blind date at her home when she tells him she is literally blind. All the time they’re sitting in chairs having a conversation, Howard is making faces at her, looking up her dress and down her blouse. Finally at the end of the sketch she confesses she was lying and can actually see. Howard told me he co-wrote that bit.
I left KTLA a few weeks after "WKRP In Cinncinatti" was cancelled but returned the following Christmas season to appear as Bachelor #1 on "The Dating Game". I was billed as Biff Nerd, a character from my standup comedy routine. I dressed for the part, complete with the bridge of my glasses repaired with white first-aid tape. A plastic penholder planted firmly in my shirt breast pocket. That was years before the Nerd movies. I’ve always been ahead of my time.
My first question from the bachelorette, J.P. Morgan, a singer from the 50’s and a judge on "The Gong Show", left me considering whether I should walk off the stage. She said that she was sick of the song, "You Light Up My Life" but "would I kill it one last time?" Now I have to tell you I never sing. Never. Not in the shower. Not even at birthday parties. I sat there silent for what seemed like an hour but was, in reality, only a few seconds. She asked Jim Lang, the host, if Bachelor #1 heard the question. At that point I started singing but since I didn’t know the song I just made up some very suggestive lyrics as I went along. The audience loved it. I was picked, winning seven days and seven nights at the classy "Hotel Tequendama" in Bogotá, Colombia . The same hotel Pablo Escobar’s family lived in while he was on the lam. The villages surrounding Bogota were a lot like most American towns without the sidewalks and indoor plumbing.
It was only days after graduating from Chilton High School that I hitchhiked out to California. I had never eaten Mexican food before and thought Taco Bell was as good as it gets. It’s a Mexican tradition for families to cook up a large batch of tamales for Christmas Eve. The whole family gathers around the Christmas tree to open presents precisely at midnight. Not quite the same in Canada where I enjoyed wearing paper hats and eating this rich black pudding. Now that’s a Merry Christmas.
Tom Neuhoff
World Humour
"Funnier Than You"
posted by Tom @ 1:46 PM
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