Valentines Day
February is the month of love. I was born in this month. Valentines Day is that one day of the year when everyone celebrates their love for another human being. Or anything that will have them. I have to confess that I’ve never really been all that lucky in love. Not many comedians are.
The last Valentine’s Day card I gave out was in 1994 to a lady I met in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. I was on my way to Martha’s Vineyard in a VW camper bus. Jenny had that rare combination of innocence and wholesomeness I’ve only found in small town women. She was also the first Mormon I ever dated. There were a couple of things I never understood about her religion. Like the part about "No sex for under a hundred bucks". What’s with that?
Dating in L.A. is like playing Russian Roulette with a bullet in every chamber. I learned on a first date to always insist on a restaurant with a metal detector at the front door. You can’t be too careful. Don’t even get me started on online dating! I met Pam online about five years ago. She emailed me her photo which looked pretty good. I didn’t understand at the time the significance of her posing across the top of a dumpster but it all made sense later.
After months of emailing and phone conversations we agreed to meet. I drove the 714 miles from L.A. to Salt Lake City hoping to begin a relationship with my second Mormon girlfriend. I waited at Denny’s for 4 hours. She never showed up. Weeks later she called and confessed the photos she emailed me were 15 years old. She had gained a “little weight". Eventually I learned "a little weight" meant over 160 pounds! I should have figured something was amiss when she let it slip during one of our phone conversations that she was having trouble fitting behind the steering wheel of her VW Jetta.
A couple of years later I was driving long haul semi truck for Schneider’s when I stopped by Pam’s place after dropping off a Sears load. She was still emailing that photo of her lying across the top of a dumpster and talking trash to unsuspecting men on the internet. The VW Jetta was nowhere in sight.When it comes to the Internet nobody is who they say they are. Men lie about their height, receding hairline, marital status and income. Women lie about their age and weight. Some people even lie about their gender. That hot young blonde from Miami you’ve been swapping email with is probably a 350 pound spot welder from Duluth. And he’s never going to tell.
After months of emailing and phone conversations we agreed to meet. I drove the 714 miles from L.A. to Salt Lake City hoping to begin a relationship with my second Mormon girlfriend. I waited at Denny’s for 4 hours. She never showed up. Weeks later she called and confessed the photos she emailed me were 15 years old. She had gained a “little weight". Eventually I learned "a little weight" meant over 160 pounds! I should have figured something was amiss when she let it slip during one of our phone conversations that she was having trouble fitting behind the steering wheel of her VW Jetta.
A couple of years later I was driving long haul semi truck for Schneider’s when I stopped by Pam’s place after dropping off a Sears load. She was still emailing that photo of her lying across the top of a dumpster and talking trash to unsuspecting men on the internet. The VW Jetta was nowhere in sight.When it comes to the Internet nobody is who they say they are. Men lie about their height, receding hairline, marital status and income. Women lie about their age and weight. Some people even lie about their gender. That hot young blonde from Miami you’ve been swapping email with is probably a 350 pound spot welder from Duluth. And he’s never going to tell.
If you know the history of Valentines Day you’ve really got to wonder why we’re celebrating this guy. Emperor Claudius II banned single men from getting married, believing that single men made better soldiers. No wife back home to worry about. Valentine, defying Claudius, continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentines actions were discovered, the emperor ordered that he be tortured and put to death. While in prison Valentine met and fell in love with the jailor’s daughter. Before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter, which he signed, "From your Valentine", an expression still in use. Now how smart is this guy? Dating the jailor’s daughter? I’m not even that stupid. Well, maybe.
They say you never forget your first love. Mine was Sandy Steffes. We were both students at Chilton High School. She lived a block off of Main Street and since I was way down on Breed Street we both walked the same route home from school five days a week. Even though I was a class clown I found myself incredibly shy in front of Sandy.
I’ll never forget asking Sandy to the homecoming. She was walking home with a girlfriend so I didn’t have the courage to interrupt them. What boy does? I walked on the other side of the street the entire way to her street and finally when her friend walked away I stepped out from behind a parked car and shouted across the street, "Do you want to go to the homecoming with me?" Is it any surprise she turned me down? What was I thinking?
You might find this difficult to believe but that tactic still doesn’t work today.Kids and dogs love me. Women don’t have much to do with me. The life of a comedian. I envy those of you who can look into your lover’s eyes every day and still feel that magic? For you lucky people every month is the month of love. Life isn’t fair. Not only do you people get to share your lives with the love of your life but the two of you get to do that on the Sunshine Coast.
Tom Neuhoff
World Humour
"Funnier Than You"
posted by Tom @ 1:53 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home